Wedding Related Sibling Rivalry

It sounds like something out of “Dear Abby”: the minute you get engaged, you start to have all sorts of jealousy issues with your sister. From jealousy, to talking behind your back, to trying to upstage your wedding, it all boils down to one thing: sibling rivalry. Here are some tips to get relations with your brother or sister back on track before sibling rivalry permanently derails your wedding plans.

The Problem: The sister who expresses her jealousy by criticizing your wedding plans. This is the sister who seems to find fault with everything, from the bridal gown and wedding jewelry you like in magazines to the venues and decorations you are considering. You will hear a lot of this: “Well, I guess if you like it…”, said with a nose in the air.

The Solution: Sometimes jealousy can be diffused by expressing an interest in your sibling’s opinion on your wedding plans, especially if the two of you had previously been close. It may be that her negative attitude is based on her fear of losing you to your new husband. If you sense that is the case, make her feel as involved as possible to allay her fears. Take her shopping for flowers, wedding jewelry, and decorations. You may just find that once your sister sees that she still has a place in your life her behavior will improve.

The Problem: Your sibling has started to make snarky comments about your choice of bridesmaids and maybe even your groom. Everything is subject to commentary, from the weight of your attendants to your future husband’s career.

The Solution:  Politely but clearly inform the brother or sister making the remarks that when they insult people that you care about enough to have in your wedding or to marry, that they are insulting you and hurting your feelings. If the behavior persists, feel free to bluntly cut off any further unkind remarks or to walk away, leaving the unpleasant sibling mid-sentence.

The Problem: You announced your engagement and set a wedding date for September 1^st. A month later, your sister says that she just got engaged, and guess what – her wedding will be August, just two weeks before your wedding.

The Solution: Rather than point out how upstaging your wedding is hurtful to you (which may well be the point, after all), it should be put in terms of the burden on guests who have to travel and parents who have to pay for things. Unless there is a really good reason why the second sibling engaged needs to be married first (such as a pregnancy or a military deployment), they should really be considerate enough to wait. Of course, if they simply won’t, you must take the high road so that you don’t end up looking like the bitter and petty sister.

When the Groom Gets Cold Feet

It happens: you get engaged, are buzzing along happily planning the wedding, when all of a sudden your husband-to-be drops a bombshell: he has cold feet and wants to postpone the wedding. Once you get over the initial shock and horror, you will have to decide on your next move. Here is some help to assist you in navigating through the various scenarios until you find one that you can live with.

For some grooms, the closer they get to the wedding day, the more panicked they become. Maybe it was just a dull nagging anxiety nine months ago when he first popped the question and presented you with the wedding jewelry. Then perhaps as the plans picked up steam and you went shopping together to pick out wedding bands and the rest of your bridal jewelry, his palms got a bit sweatier. With the actual wedding day in sight, his level of stress may rise so high that he feels the need to bolt.

Cold feet may certainly signal that he is unsure about the course the two of you are taking, or that he has an insurmountable fear of commitment, but it also might not mean that at all. Maybe he wants to spend the rest of his life with you but fears that marriage will somehow change a relationship that he feels is perfect just the way it is. Or maybe his parents have been divorced and remarried, so he is nervous about taking the plunge. The key question is whether he is experiencing temporary pre-wedding jitters, which can be overcome, or a true doubt about the future of the relationship, which is far more serious.

If you are the bride in this situation, you have several options. The first is to suggest that you put the wedding aside and spend a few weeks completely apart to allow time to for deep reflection. Another option for some couples is to put the wedding on hold and live together first to be sure that getting married is right for both of you. The final option when the groom gets cold feet is for the bride to cut her losses and move on. Whatever you decide in the end, just be certain that it is a decision that you can live with for the long term.

Thoughtful Brides Know…

Sure, most of the brides you see on television are not the most thoughtful people. After all, more people will tune in to see an episode of “Bridezillas” than to watch a program about brides behaving beautifully. When it comes to your own real-life wedding, though, you could not do any better than to get a reputation for being a considerate and gracious bride. These are the things that thoughtful brides all know…

Your guests do not want to be inconvenienced. This means things like going with your second choice reception venue over your favorite because it is fifteen minutes away from the church instead of almost an hour away. It could mean setting up a bridal registry at a national chain, not just online if you will be having a lot of older guests who might prefer shopping in a brick and mortar store with salespeople to help them. Not hosting your reception in a remote location like a mountain top that involves a hike, unless all of your guests will be fitness nuts.

Everyone appreciates being appreciated. There will be countless opportunities to express your gratitude while planning your wedding. One of the most important ones is to give special thank you bridesmaid gifts like jewelry to your wedding party. If you take the time to customize or personalize your bridesmaid jewelry gifts, your attendants will feel even more special. And don’t forget about everyone else who helped to make your wedding a success; a simple note of appreciation with a photograph will mean a lot to your baker, florist, and the rest of your vendors.

Spending time to get the reception seating chart just right is really important. No one enjoys making seating charts, but the best hosts will always make an effort to seat people together who will enjoy each other’s company at dinner. Do your best to avoid leaving anyone stranded at a table with total strangers. Finally, be sure that anyone who does not get along will not be at adjacent tables, and arrange it so that divorced parents can each head their own table in a way that will make them feel equally important. It takes a little extra effort, but it is well worth it to be a gracious bride.

Wedding Etiquette for Divorced Parents

It is extremely common these days that either the bride, the groom, or both will have divorced parents. While hopefully, the families can put their differences aside for one day, there can be some sticky issues that arise. Etiquette to the rescue! With this guide to wedding etiquette for divorced parents in hand, it should make it easier to get through the wedding day in peace.

Beginning with the wedding invitation, when the bride’s parents are divorced, it is customary to list the name of each parent on a separate line, with any new spouses included. There is no point in trying to maintain the fiction that the bride’s parents are still a couple, nor is it acceptable to omit the name of a step-parent, even if the bride wishes that her parents were still married.  Regardless of financial contributions, the bride’s mother’s name is listed above her father’s name, in the spirit of “ladies first”.

Speaking of “ladies first”, at the wedding ceremony, it is generally going to be the bride or groom’s mother who occupies the place of honor in the first row or pew for the service. When the parents are divorced, the father will sit in the second row. Each parent can have their immediate family sit with them, and then the rest of the extended family can just be seated in the first available seats by the ushers, just like the rest of the guests.

One of the most difficult situations faced by brides with divorced parents involves the step-parents. Your wedding is one time when it is important to rise above petty differences and be as gracious as possible, which means being sweet and respectful to your step-mother, even if it is done through gritted teeth. For example, if the bride and groom are giving gifts of wedding jewelry to their mothers, it is also necessary to give any step-mothers similar wedding jewelry gifts. To not do so would definitely be a slight.

There are also cases where the bride has been primarily raised by her step-father, but is concerned about hurting her natural father’s feelings by diminishing his role in the wedding. Where this really comes into play is in deciding who should escort the bride down the aisle. The best advice that I can offer is to ask the man who you view as your “real father” to walk you down the aisle, and to let the other parent down as gently as possible. When the bride is truly torn, she will usually enlist her birth father for this special honor over a step-father.

Juggling divorced parents while planning a wedding is never easy, but in most cases, it can be managed well. As long as you try to be thoughtful of all parties involved, you will get through it just fine. And certainly knowing the proper wedding etiquette when questions do arise will help to make your job a bit easier.

A Newlyweds’ Guide to Domestic Tranquility

Once the wedding and honeymoon are over, you will find yourself settling into your everyday life as a married couple. For some people, this is a smooth transition, but not all newlyweds find the early days of marriage to be quite as blissful as they had expected. To help avoid common problems, take a look at this newlyweds’ guide to domestic tranquility.

When you are used to living on your own, learning to share your space with another can be challenging. You and your new spouse likely have different habits around the house, and these differences can easily give rise to arguments. Many newlyweds find that it is the little pet peeves that are the most aggravating part of married life. The best way to keep small irritants from growing into big problems is to nip them in the bud. Frank communication tempered with a sense of humor is your best bet, whether it is his habit of leaving wet towels on the bed or her forgetting to replace the empty roll of toilet paper that is causing grumbling.

Something else that newlyweds need to work out early on is how much time they will devote to one another versus how much time each person wants to spend with his or her own friends. For instance, if the new husband has a standing Tuesday night poker game with his buddies, there is no reason that he should have to give that up just because he is now married. However, he might not be able to also keep up with the Thursday night bowling league, Friday night happy hour with the co-workers, and Sunday afternoon golfing expeditions. A reasonable compromise must be reached between giving up all pre-marriage activities versus spending no time at home with your new spouse.

Keeping the spark and romance alive is another key to a happy home life (not just for newlyweds, of course, but this is a good time to lay the foundation). Make time to do something special together. Many couples like to have a standing date night once a week or once a month, in which they go out for a romantic dinner. It is a fun opportunity to dress up and go someplace nice together; the new wife can even use date night as an excuse to break out her bridal jewelry to wear again. And a tip for the new husband: if you really want to keep the spark alive, it wouldn’t hurt to occasionally surprise your wife with a treat, such as a bouquet of her favorite flowers or a little trinket that matches her bridal jewelry set. With these tips in mind, you will be well on your way to having the happy household that you envisioned when you said, “I do”.

A Good Marriage is the Best Revenge

Most marriages begin with a loving relationship between the bride and groom, but unfortunately, such a warm relationship is not always a given between the nearlyweds and their future in-laws. Family harmony will certainly help to bring more joy to your marriage, so it is always a worthwhile goal. Even if you cannot achieve it at first, it is worth putting the time and effort into it. And along the way, always remember that a good marriage is the best revenge!

There can be a variety of reasons why a young man or woman’s family may not welcome their intended with open arms. Sometimes there are cultural or religious differences which may seem insurmountable to the older generation, but are of no importance to the bride and groom. In this case, the best way to overcome objections is by assuring your parents that your choice to marry a person from a different faith or heritage is in no way a rejection of their beliefs or how you were raised.

Sometimes family disapproval is based on less clear concerns. Perhaps the groom was very nervous the first time he met the bride’s parents and made a fool of himself. Or maybe the groom’s parents have the impression that the bride is self-centered or too high maintenance. Oftentimes these misunderstandings are based on not knowing the person well enough to see all of their wonderful qualities. It is up to each person to tell their own parents all about the special things that made them want to spend the rest of your life with their intended.

A gracious gesture can often go a long way towards getting family relationships headed down a better path. Maybe your mother-in-law loves flowers, and she would love to help you design your centerpieces. So what if her taste is not exactly like yours? Accepting her input and maybe even taking a few of her suggestions will make her feel valued.

Another nice idea is to give your future mother-in-law a gift of wedding jewelry from the bride and groom. Jewelry along the lines of a strand of pearls would be a very thoughtful gift that she will love to have as a momento of your wedding. And take heart, as your families see how happy your marriage makes you, eventually they will come to see the good in your spouse that you knew was there all along.

Is Your Reception Really For You or Your Guests?

There is an old saying that you cannot please all of the people all of the time, and this is certainly true of weddings. Everyone has their own idea of what makes a wedding special, and even within the same family, their can be a wide range of opinions. If the bride and groom live a lifestyle that is fairly different than the one led by their parents and grandparents, conflict can easily arise.

The question is, if you have a lifestyle that is different from the rest of your family’s, how much of it can you include in the wedding before they feel uncomfortable? Does there come a point where imposing your beliefs can go too far? If you are making many of your guests feel uncomfortable, the answer may be yes.

Let me give you a true life example to ponder. At one wedding for 200 guests, the bride and groom were vegan, and had a couple of transgender friends that were coming to the wedding. They asked that the reception venue create a vegan cake, and remove the signs on the restrooms that say “men” or “women” and replace them with signs saying “unisex”. How much of this is reasonable, and how much may be putting the comfort of a few above the comfort and enjoyment of the majority of the guests?

Picture your grandmother, dressed in her best dress and wedding jewelry, heading into the restroom, only to see a man coming out of a stall. How do you think this would make her, and many of the other guests feel? Probably very, very uncomfortable. This is a case where trying to see to the comfort of a few surpassed the comfort of the majority of the guests, which is never what a host should do.

There are often happy mediums to be found. For instance, it is very easy to serve a delicious vegetarian menu that anyone would enjoy, even the steak and potato guys. If your religious beliefs forbid you to drink alcohol, your guests will understand if the reception is dry (although there might be a fair amount of grumbling about it!). If your mother wants you to wear her pearls for the wedding, and you want to wear the special wedding jewelry that your fiance gave you, you can always wear them for the rehearsal dinner as a compromise.

Although you can never make everyone happy, as hosts, the bride and groom do have an obligation to try to make their reception as fun and inviting for as many of their guests as possible. Years after your wedding, you want your family to remember how beautiful it was and how much fun they had – not how nobody knew which restroom to use!

Jilted at the Altar!

It is every bride or groom’s worst nightmare: to be jilted at the altar. Fortunately, it is a very rare occurrence. On the outside chance that it happens to you or someone you love, here is what you need to know…

What is the protocol? The first step is for a family member (usually one related to the party who has backed out) has to make an announcement to the assembled guests that the wedding will not be taking place as planned. After the initial shock dies down, it is up to your families whether or not you want the reception to take place. It is not uncommon in these situations for the guests to be invited to attend the reception, because frankly, at this point it is already paid for, so someone should get to enjoy the party. The bride or groom would generally not be in attendance.

After getting through the wedding day, there will be many more questions to be answered. One of the most immediate concerns will be the honeymoon. If a refund is not an option, the jilted person may choose to take the trip anyway, usually bringing along a close friend for moral support. After the humiliation of being publicly jilted, they may be happy to get out of town for a few days and have some time to collect his or her thoughts.

There are also some practicalities that must be addressed. One of the biggest issues concerns the gifts. In some cases, it is very straightforward. Wedding gifts should be returned to the senders with a brief note thanking them for their good wishes.

Etiquette says that if the woman breaks off the engagement, she is obligated to return the ring, along with any other wedding jewelry gifts. When it is the groom who gets cold feet, the woman is not technically required to return the ring to him. The exception is when the jewelry in question is a family heirloom. In that circumstance, it should absolutely be returned to the family from whence it came.

Breaking off a wedding is not easy under any circumstances. It is certainly even harder to accept when it happens on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. All that you can really do is console yourself that this marriage wasn’t meant to be, and that the right person will come along one day when you least expect it.

Put the “We” Into Your Wedding!

It often seems like a wedding is something planned by the bride and her mother, with no input from the groom. While it is true that many men are happy to leave most of the details up to the bride, do not cut them out of the planning. It is important to put the “we” into your wedding.

The first step to putting the “we” into your wedding is to acknowledge that while the bride may take center stage, it is the groom’s day also. Involve him in the planning process right from the beginning. It is true that not every guy cares about the minutia of a wedding, but most of them will have opinions on the bigger decisions, if only someone takes the time to ask them.

Figure out your fiance’s interest level, and then involve him in any choices that you think will interest him. For instance, he may not need to be in on the choice of the which bridal jewelry sets the bride should consider (unless of course, he is shopping for sets of bridal jewelry as a wedding gift to the bride). The ladies’ outfits and accessories are the type of thing that most guys would just as soon not take part in selecting.

There are a few areas of the wedding plans that almost every man would like a say in. They are the venue, the food (especially the cake!), and the music. A good way to include the groom without overwhelming him is to do the preliminary research yourself, and then bring him in for the final decision. Even grooms who are content to leave all of the decisions up to the bride should still be consulted from time to time to make him feel like he is a part of the wedding.

One of the best ways to put the “we” into your wedding is also one of the easiest. When you discuss the wedding in front of your fiance, simply make sure to refer to “our wedding” instead of “my wedding”. Sometimes it is the smallest gestures that make the biggest impact, and you want your fiance to know that you consider him to be an important part of the wedding.

A Bride and Her Frenemies

During life’s biggest moments is when you find out who your real friends are. The good ones will be there to support you at every step of the way. A bride’s true friends will be very happy for her, and will want to do everything that they can to make her wedding even more special and enjoyable.

True friends are easy to recognize, but frenemies may not be. That is because they will pretend to be your friend, but in reality they will be sabotaging you or stabbing you in the back when you least expect it. Why would anyone behave this way? Frequently jealousy is the cause.

What are the signs that one of your pals has turned into a frenemy? A big one is that she may say things to undermine your confidence. A sour friends will often put down or question all of the decisions that you have made about your wedding. You will hear things like, “Do you actually think that a white dress is okay for you? Is that really the jewelry that you are going to wear for your wedding? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you are having your wedding there!”.

Not all frenemies show their true colors with words. Sometimes they are more passive-aggressive. If you are unfortunate enough to have one in your bridal party, she may do small things to sabotage your wedding. This will be the bridesmaid who never shows up for the fittings for her bridesmaid dress or is late for the rehearsal. A jealous friend may also do things to try to steal attention away from the bride.

Every bride deserves to have friends who are supportive and make her wedding a pleasure. Be sure that the women in your inner circle fit the bill. And if you find one that does not, do your best to cut the frenemy out of your life!