Proper Wedding Reception Etiquette

Some things are a matter of opinion, while others are truly a matter of etiquette. You might think it is a fabulous idea to change into a second bridal gown and different wedding jewelry for your wedding reception, while your mother might think that a bride should wear her original bridal gown and pearl wedding jewelry for the entire event. That is a question of taste, not of etiquette. Things become a matter of wedding etiquette when they involve how others are being treated or whether they are being embarrassed. Making a boring toast might drag the reception down, but it is not in poor taste; talking about how wild the bride was before she met the groom is definitely a breach of etiquette!

The worst breaches of wedding reception etiquette typically occur when the bride and groom focus more on money than on their guests. The most glaring example of this is the cash bar. It is never acceptable to invite someone to be your guest and then demand that they pay for their own refreshments. Not even if your mom says it is okay or you have been to other receptions with cash bars. The correct approach is to serve what you can afford and to do it graciously. If that means you only have beer and wine, fine. If it means you do not have any alcohol at all, that is also fine. What is not fine is expecting guests to whip out their wallets at any point during your wedding.

Which brings us to the next point of wedding etiquette…your guests should not need any money at your reception. This includes things like tips for the coat check attendant and paying the parking valet. They should be prepaid by the hosts, with a notice to that effect prominently displayed so the guests know they should not tip. Sometimes the question arises of who should get the money from the tip jar at the bar; some people say it should go to the bartender, while others say it goes to the bride. The correct answer is neither, because there should not be a tip jar on the bar at a wedding! If you notice that the bartender has put one out, kindly ask him to remove it, and assure him that you will be covering his gratuity at the end of the evening.

One of the most important aspects of hosting a wedding is attending to the comfort and ease of your guests. There are several ways in which to do this politely. First of all is to seat elderly guests away from speakers and other noisy parts of the room (including the table of your rowdiest friends!). In addition, the guests of honor should be seated closer to the head table. This means that the “prime” tables are usually reserved for the immediate family of the newlyweds, while the ones near the kitchen door are generally inhabited by your co-workers. Speaking of seating etiquette, it is fine to have as many parents’ tables as it takes to make everyone comfortable. Divorced parents should each be the head of their own table. It is rarely a good idea to seat the bride’s divorced parents at the same table for the pretense of having one big happy family.

Gift Grabby Brides and Grooms

There are many things that a bride or groom can do which will come across as looking greedy, even if that is not their intention. Anything that shifts focus away from the point of a wedding towards getting presents runs this risk. Some things are fine in moderation, but can cross the line if not done in good taste. The perfect example of this is the bridal shower. Having a small bridal shower with the bride’s bridesmaids, immediate family, and best friends is a perfectly fine wedding tradition, even though it is all about giving presents.

Where it becomes not-so-fine is when the bride starts demanding that people throw showers for her. Another problem with showers is when there are an excessive number of parties. One or two events (with different guests) is fine, but three, four, or five bridal showers is ridiculous. Previously married brides having bridal showers can also look gift grabby, as will any bride who is gauche enough to host her own shower. Something else that definitely crosses the line is a shower by mail, when there is no actual party, and the “guests” are expected to mail in presents. That is little more than social blackmail to get as many presents as possible.

Making any mention of gifts on the wedding invitation is another faux pas that can make you look gift grabby, even if you really are not. It has become more common in recent years to include bridal registry information on the invitations, but that has never been polite, and it still isn’t. It makes it appear too much like a gift is the price of admission to the event. Worse yet is to request “cash gifts only” on an invitation. It is truly offensive to most people, and they will suspect you of trying to get them to finance your wedding. Guests want to be able to choose a wedding gift, not pay for their reception dinner, the limo, or the bride’s wedding jewelry!

Anytime you are making it clear that you expect your wedding guests to give you cash, you are likely to cause offense. This is why so many people deem the money dance at the reception to be in poor taste. The couple can then put that money towards their honeymoon, paying for the wedding, or whatever. While the money dance is still relatively common in certain communities, it is a dying custom. There is something ridiculous about having a wedding that costs thousands of dollars and then demanding cash from your friends and family. Just have the wedding you can afford, and people will give you money if they want to.

White Lies Every Bride Tells

What a Beautiful Handmade Ashtray! Every couple is bound to receive a wedding gift or two that they do not like, can’t use, or that is just plain bizarre. A lumpy handmade ceramic ashtray for the non-smoking fitness nuts would definitely fall into all three categories! Yet, you don’t want to hurt the feelings of the person who gave you the present, so it is best to fake it. Pretend, just for the moment, that it is the best gift you have ever received. Once you have sent a gracious thank you note, feel free to put the oddity in your next yard sale.

We’d Love for Your New Boyfriend (or Cousin or Kids) to Come. Somehow, there is always at least one wedding guest who does not seem to realize that only the people whose names are on the invitations are invited to the reception. Never mind that the caterer charges $150 a head or that it is supposed to be an intimate wedding for close family and friends only. Invariably, someone will call the bride three days before the wedding and ask to bring along their cousin who is in town for the weekend, the great new man they just started dating, or their kids “because they have never been to a wedding before”. While a gracious bride might indeed say yes for the sake of accommodating her invited guest, rest assured that she does not really want her wedding populated by random people. A polite guest will realize this and not put the bride on the spot.

I Don’t Mind That My Mother-in-Law Is Wearing White. Oh, what to do about the mother-in-law who decides to wear a white dress and pearl wedding jewelry to her son’s wedding? Well, if you are a wise bride, you will tell the little white lie above. Of course, only the bride should show up in a white gown and elegant pearl wedding jewelry, but making a fuss about what her mother-in-law is wearing will get the bride nowhere. The fact is that no one will think it is appropriate for the groom’s mom to wear white; the bride does not need to say a word, because all of the guests will see the mother of the groom’s fashion choice for the petty slight that it is. If the bride remains silent, she will definitely come out looking the better of the two.

We Are Having a Small Wedding. This is the classic line that brides use to get out of inviting extra people to their wedding. The beauty of it is that “small” can mean anything the bride and groom want it to mean. Small can mean twenty people in their living room or one hundred guests on a private yacht. All it really means is that the wedding is too small to invite that one particular individual. This is probably one of the most commonly used bridal white lies, and one of the most effective.

While no one advocates lying, there are certainly instances where telling a white lie is more polite and tactful than brutal honesty!

Rude Things That Brides Do By Accident

While the majority of brides do their best to be pleasant and polite, there are times when even a well-meaning bride does something rude. It is often accidental, but that doesn’t make it any less offensive to those people affected by the behavior. Learn about these rude things that brides do, so you can make sure to avoid these mistakes at your own wedding.

Money is often tight when planing a wedding, and one typical mistake is to put the comfort of the bride and groom above the comfort of the wedding guests. Common money-saving measures like cash bars are often seen as very rude by the guests who discover they are expected to pay for their own refreshments. This is doubly true when the couple decides to spend less on their guests so they could spend more on something for themselves like a designer wedding gown or a stretch limo. Whether you have a lot of money to spend or just a little, make your guests the top priority in your wedding budget. The same goes for your bridal party, by the way; it’s no fair skipping the bridesmaid jewelry gifts to afford a more expensive veil.

One thing that is sure to drive your guests crazy is a big gap between the wedding ceremony and the reception.  It is often a result of an early afternoon church ceremony followed by an evening reception or the couple wanting extra time for photography. While the bride and groom surely to not intend to be rude, expecting your guests to hang around for a couple of hours with nothing to do really is quite inconsiderate. If you need extra time for photography, take some pictures before the ceremony. And if your church only performs 1pm ceremonies, plan an afternoon reception that can follow, rather than scheduling an evening party that won’t start for hours.

Something else that is a common faux pas is putting bridal registry information on the wedding invitations. Brides are often talked into it by the store that set up the registry, touting it as a “convenience” for the wedding guests. Unfortunately, many guests are more likely to see it as an attempt at a gift grab than something done to make their lives easier. Avoid this perception by leaving bridal registry information off of the wedding invitations. People who are interested in shopping from a registry will ask you where you are registered. You can be sure that a bride who is thoughtful and considerate is always noticed and appreciated.

Wedding Invitation FAQs

What is the Difference Between “The Pleasure of Your Company” and “The Honour of Your Presence”? This is actually a very easy one: use the phrase “The honour of your presence” on an invitation to a wedding in a house of worship, and use “The pleasure of your company” for a wedding ceremony held anywhere else. It is customary to use the British spelling of the word “honour”, particularly for a formal wedding invitation. Be sure to be consistent, so if you spell honor as “honour”, also use the British spelling “favour” for favor, as in “The favour of a reply is requested”.

When Should Invitations Be Mailed? You need to give your guests adequate notice, so that they have sufficient time to buy plane tickets, find the perfect dress and wedding jewelry, and schedule time off from work. Six to eight weeks before the wedding is the usual time frame for mailing out invitations. That also allows guests enough time to send in their R.s.v.p., so that you can get an accurate head count. If you feel the need to notify guests about your upcoming nuptials more than two months in advance, do so with a save the date card.

What is the Difference Between Engraving and Thermography? Engraving is the most traditional form of printing a wedding invitation. A copper plate is etched with the invitation wording, and then the paper is run through a press over the copper plate. The result is that the words are raised on the surface of the paper in a very elegant fashion. Thermography is a far less expensive process in which powder is combined with ink to print letters which are slightly raised. While thermography is popular because of its lower price point, there are some who find it to be in poor taste; it is often called “fake engraving”.

How Should the Invitation Be Worded When the Bride’s Parents Are Divorced? The names of the bride’s parents should be on two separate lines, starting with her mother’s name. Step-parents are sometimes, but not always, included on the invitation, depending on family dynamics. If the parents’ names are to appear alone, the invitation would be worded: Mrs. Margaret Smith Green / Mr. Richard John Green. The format for the bride’s mother’s name is: First, Maiden, Last (assuming she still uses her former married name; if she has reverted to her maiden name, the format would be Mrs. First, Middle, Maiden). Note that the correct title for a divorced mother of the bride is still “Mrs.”. The form “Ms.” is not used on formal social occasions, and once married, a woman can never revert to being a “Miss”.

Good Manners for Elegant Brides

However casual your lifestyle may be, on your wedding day, every bride should be gracious and elegant. It does not matter if you were formally schooled in etiquette as a young girl or if you grew up a tomboy in a family with five brothers. If you remember your manners, you will always seem like a lady. These are some timeless good manners which will ensure that you look like an elegant and gracious bride on your wedding day.

Many women do not routinely attend formal dinners or dine in fancy restaurants, so the finer points of gracious table manners many not seem particularly relevant in their daily lives. As a bride however, how you eat and drink will absolutely play a part in how you are perceived. Little things really do matter.  A bride should never been seen swilling beer from a bottle – or worse yet a can – so if you wish to have a beer at your reception, be sure to drink it from a glass. Also, a bride should never become visibly intoxicated at her wedding. Save the serious partying for the honeymoon, and pace yourself at the reception so you don’t do anything embarrassing; remember that all eyes will be on the bride all night long, and if she gets drunk and acts the fool, everyone will be talking about it.

Something else that an elegant bride should remember is that talking about money is not considered to be in good taste. Bragging about how much you have spent is just tacky, so when someone says they like your centerpieces or your wedding jewelry, refrain from boasting about how expensive they were. By the same token, a bride should refrain from bragging about how cheaply she got things too. This would be in especially poor taste if you have saved money in a way which might diminish your guests’ enjoyment of the reception – in other words, don’t mention that you saved a fortune by buying only off-brands to stock the bar or by cutting down on the number of servers.

Another part of being an elegant bride is to remain above the fray. There is no uglier site than a beautiful bride, resplendent in her gown and wedding jewelry, swearing like a sailor. Even if your everyday language is a bit rough, try to tone it down for your wedding. In addition, a bride should never raise her voice, so screaming at the florist for bringing the wrong boutonierres or tearing into the groom for something he did wrong are strictly taboo. Last but not least, an elegant bride never smashes cake into her groom’s face at the reception!

Second Time Bride / First Time Groom

Let’s face it, the groom is second fiddle at a wedding. Most of the etiquette, traditions, and so on are geared towards brides. When it is the bride’s first wedding and the groom’s second, very little changes at all. However, if it is the bride’s second trip down the aisle, then all the rules about second time weddings apply, even if the groom has never before been wed. Fair or unfair, it’s just the way it is in our society. The good news is that getting remarried is no longer stigmatized like it once was for women. What that means is that it is now considered perfectly acceptable to have a large celebration for a second wedding.

Much of the etiquette about second weddings is focused on attire. Formal clothing for men is pretty much the same no matter what, so whether it is the groom’s first marriage or his fifth, he would still wear the appropriate attire for the formality of the wedding (tuxedo, suit, etc.). For second time brides, however, there are some matters of etiquette to keep in mind when selecting a gown and accessories like bridal jewelry. A long train and a poufy princess style wedding gown are best left to women who have never before tied the knot, so look for a  more slender and sophisticated silhouette. As for the veil, it simply is not appropriate for a second time bride.

There are some changes in the wording of the wedding invitation when the bride has been previously married. For a second time bride, her parents do not “give her away”, either on the invitation or during the marriage ceremony. Therefore, the wedding invitation is properly issued by the bride and groom in the third person like this: The pleasure of your company (or “The honour of your presence” for a church wedding) / is requested at the marriage of / Caroline Woods Smith / to Robert Hunter Finley / etc… If the bride had legally adopted her first husband’s name, it is written: first, maiden, married surname.

The only other thing of note is that second time brides should not have bridal showers. Beyond that, a second wedding is really not much different than a first wedding, even if it is her second and his first. The couple can feel free to hold as large or small, lavish or simple, wedding as they wish.

Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette Essentials

Before you start planning your pre-wedding dinner, brush up on the essentials of rehearsal dinner etiquette here…

The Groom’s Family Traditionally Hosts: People often wonder who should throw the rehearsal dinner, and traditionally it has been the responsibility of the groom’s family.  However, it is important to realize two things: first of all, this custom began back when the bride’s family paid for all of the wedding arrangements; if the couple is older and hosting their own wedding or if the groom’s family is chipping in for the reception, it may well work out that someone else hosts the rehearsal dinner. Point number two is that nobody is ever obligated to throw a party in someone else’s honor. If the groom’s parents do not offer to host a pre-wedding party, they certainly should not be pushed into it.

The Guest List: At the very minimum, the rehearsal dinner should include the bride and groom, their parents, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the officiant, along with spouses. Other immediate family such as grandparents, siblings, and often aunts, uncles, and cousins should also make the guest list. Etiquette has long stated that out-of-town guests who arrived the day before the wedding should also be invited to the dinner, however this custom is no longer so strictly observed, as the pre-wedding dinner would end up being as large as the wedding itself.

The Toasts: As the traditional host of the pre-wedding meal, it is customary for the father of the groom to open the dinner with a toast to the bride and groom. During his speech the groom’s father will usually thank everyone for making the trip, tell the bride how thrilled he and the groom’s mother are to welcome her to their family, and say a few kind words wishing the couple much future happiness. Anyone who wishes to follow suit after the groom’s father is welcome to say a few words. It is smart to do the speeches early in the evening before people get too many drinks in them!

General Party Etiquette: The rehearsal dinner is an event for all of the people directly involved in the wedding, therefore it is not the best time to hand out groomsmen and bridesmaid gifts. One of the main reasons to have a pre-wedding dinner is to allow the bride and groom’s families to get to know each other a little better before the main event. All guests should make an effort to mingle and chat with members of the other family. Unlike the wedding reception, the departure of the bride and groom from the pre-wedding party does not necessarily signal the end of the event, so the couple should feel free to graciously exit after dessert to get their “beauty sleep” before the wedding day.

Tips for the Mother of the Groom

If there is one piece of advice that every mother of the groom needs to hear it is to learn to let go of her son. It can be hard to accept that another woman is taking over your role as the primary female influence in your son’s life, but when he gets married, that is exactly what is happening. Fighting to remain top dog will only put your son in a terrible position of being torn between his wife and mother, and your relationship with him will inevitably suffer. The more you push, the harder his new wife is likely to pull him in the opposite direction.

Another thing that all mothers of the groom should do is to make their future daughters-in-law feel welcome in their new family. All those old terrible stereotypes about overbearing mothers-in-law aside, there is no reason at all why the groom’s mom and his wife cannot become good friends. No matter how confident she may appear, the chances are that your son’s fiancee is nervous about winning your approval. Give it to her clearly and frequently.

When it comes to planning the wedding, the mother of the groom often ends up feeling like a second fiddle. There are plenty of ways that the mother of the groom can become involved in the wedding. You might offer your home as a place for some of her bridesmaids to stay when they come to town for the big event. If finances permit, it would be very gracious to offer to pick up the tab for the florist or the bar bill at the reception. Sometimes mothers of the groom like to welcome their daughters-in-law to the family with special gifts of wedding jewelry.

One last piece of advice to the mother of the groom is to always look appropriate for the wedding…but not so fabulous you will upstage the bride or her mother. Always ask the bride what type of attire she would like you to wear for her wedding. The mothers of the bride and groom do not need to wear the same color, but it is customary for the bride’s mom to select her dress first so that the mother of the groom can choose a dress which will look attractive next to hers. Being considerate of family feelings is an excellent idea for all members of the bride and groom’s families, including the mother of the groom.

What to Do When a Member of the Wedding Party Gets Sick

As with anything, there are degrees of illness. If a bridesmaid catches a cold the week of the wedding, she needs to take some cold medicine, stuff some tissues into her tiny little handbag, and show up at the appointed time in her dress and bridesmaid jewelry, ready to go. Pay your sick bridesmaid a little special attention by having some orange juice or a nice warm bowl of chicken soup waiting for her when she shows up to get her hair and makeup done. Of course, she would be forgiven for leaving the reception right after the cake cutting to go home and sleep.

Something like the flu, on the other hand, has the potential to knock a groomsman or bridesmaid right out of the wedding party. You don’t want someone standing at the altar who is likely to vomit right when the minister asks if anyone objects to the marriage! For that matter, your guests will not remember your wedding fondly if they all caught the flu from a highly contagious groomsman. If the fluish one happens to be one of the parents of the bride or groom, obviously they would do their best to make it to the wedding, but they should definitely skip the receiving line!

When the illness is more serious, flexibility is the key. This is no time to worry about whether the groomsmen and bridesmaid numbers will end up uneven at the last minute. If a member of the bridal party does have to bow out due to a serious illness, it would be very gracious of the bride to pay for her bridesmaid dress and bridesmaid jewelry and give it to her as a gift. If you are having a wedding program, by all means list her as an honorary bridesmaid. It would be very, very sweet to have a bridesmaid bouquet made for her and have it delivered to her bedside as well.

In very rare cases, an immediate member of the bride or groom’s family (parent, grandparent, or sibling usually) might be so very ill right before the wedding that their very life hangs in the balance. There comes a point when it is necessary to either postpone the wedding or to scale it back dramatically. If the very ill person is one of the bride or groom’s parents, they may even wish to consider having their ceremony at their parent’s bedside, if the patient is up to it. At least that way, all the most important people would still be there to witness the marriage.